...when I turned tail and ran for it.
Slamming shut the castle doors, I barred them...
...grabbing one of the novices as a hostage.
I fought my way up to the battlements...
...hacking and slashing as I went.
All in tears, in cuts!
Easily outdistancing the enemy, I escaped.
Open this up! Open it up!
What the hell?
All right, men. Coming up right away.
Let's have some decorum here.
-What do you want? -Well, I was just wondering--
-Speak up! I'm a busy man. -That's what I wanted to ask.
I used to be a cooper's apprentice, and I was--
Coming up. What is it? Spit it out.
I wondered if you could tell me about the inn business.
-I could change trades-- -What, now?
Mr. Rotcod, that party in the corner is waiting!
Tell them it's coming up. Go away! I've no time.
It would help if you put the ale over here and the mead over here.
I noticed you're impairing efficiency by--
Will you get out of my way?
-Betty, come and give me a hand. -Your wife's not here.
-Your wife? -Not here?
Not here? Where is she?
-She's-- -She's what?
I don't know. Maybe she's--
And where's your friend, that loudmouthed squire?
-What? -No.
-No what? -They're not upstairs.
I mean, they're not here. No, they're not here.
What?
You swine!
I'm gonna kill him, then I'm gonna kill you!
Right.
You toad!
Right! What's all this?
Brawling in the public streets. Disturbing the king's peace?
This man-- My wife-- Let go of me.
All right, hold him, Fred. Now young fellow....
Here, I know you!
It was him who tried to get in the other day.
-My wife and the squire-- -The dungeon will sort them out.
Right. Then we can put irons on their legs, eh?
-But-- -You can't!
Destroy the monster?
If you destroy the monster, you destroy the city.
The long term will show that we owe the monster...
...a period of prosperity unprecedented in this kingdom.
This is ridiculous. The tournament must continue.
A champion must be chosen.
Bruno, the merchants may be prospering...
-...but your kingdom's collapsing. -Oh, yes. Oh, well--
Now hear this!
The king, that flower of chivalry, that prince of monarchs...
...that paragon of potentates, is going to speak.
Hear the wisdom, witness the wit...
...observe the oratorical eloquence, lend an ear.
Beautifully said.
--to the mellow voice, the tender tones...
...the coruscating consonants...
...of His Majesty, King Bruno.
Very lovely. Well, I--
--who is going to give it to you straight...
...clarify the conundrums, dazzle us with logic.
My lords, Your Grace...
...Your Honour, the king!
Oh! Oh, yes.
Bishop, how can you, a man of God, say that the beast is good?
I welcome your question.
Indeed it may seem paradoxical...
...but since the advent of the beast, church attendance has tripled!
Tithing has increased. Long lines of sinners wait eagerly for confession.
-Piety has never been higher. -Oh, bravo.
-Well, my lord bishop-- -Oh, yes.
The king will speak. The king.
Thank you.
-Guard! -Sire.
-Kill that man. -Sire.
What? Who?
Anyway, the most potent...
...most poetical...
...most prestigious--
Well, Your Majesty, what is your opinion?
-Give us guidance. -Even a hint.
I think--
What's that? What's going on here?
Just one moment.
What's going on here?
Who dares sully my castle with unseemly brawls?
Guards, bring them in!
We'll show them who's king here.
-But we have important matters-- -Important matters, Passelewe?
Surely keeping the peace in my own castle is important.
First things first!
They'll taste the king's justice.
Put me down!
Silence!
Now what's this all about?
-The squire! Behind my back! -Calm, my man.
Remember you're in the presence of your king.
Guards, let him go.
Let him speak.
Your Majesty, this man--
This man--
-What's going on here? -Look out, sire! Get down!
-Hold it! -Get him!
This is outrageous!
-Weren't there two of them to start? -Yes, sir.
-Where's the other one got to? -I don't know, sir.
Right. Then it falls upon us to find this man guilty.
Guilty? Guilty of what, sire?
Cannibalism.
-Keep your eyes peeled. -Right.
Quick, down this way!
-Check up there. -No. Come on!
A man!
Watch the princess!
-A man! -At last you've come!
-I'm sorry, barging in-- -Don't be shy.
I knew you'd come someday.
-I was coming up the stairs-- -Put this on. You turn around!
-I don't want to bother-- -You must have travelled far to come.
Swum rivers, climbed mountains, fought battles.
You can turn around now.
There. Do I come up to your expectations?
Do you find me beautiful?
Oh, yes. Thank you.
Oh, come, my prince. Don't be shy.
But I can't. I'm not dressed for the occasion.
Tush.
You mustn't worry about those filthy peasant rags...
...which you were no doubt forced to don.
Soon we'll have you attired once more in princely finery.
No. You see, there's been some mistake.
-My name is Dennis. -Prince Dennis.
-No, Dennis Cooper. I used to be-- -Your face. You're wounded.
-No, it's nothing. Just a bruise. -Just a bruise?
How brave you are, my prince...
...for surely it must have been a terrible blow.
No, an innkeeper sat on me.
You see, he thought--
Well, this squire, you see, his wife--
What, the innkeeper's wife was a squire?
I've been dreaming of this day for so long...
...but little did I expect one so brave and valiant and wise...
...one who's crossed the seven seas for me...
...and galloped across deserts and canyons to be by my side at last.
-My love. -Come.
Tell me of your adventures.
We must get to know each other before we're married.
Married? No, I'm sorry, miss. I can't do that.
Can't? My prince, did I hear you right?
-It's very kind of you to ask-- -No, don't tell me. I know.
-I know. -You know?
In your adventures, you rescued a maiden chained to a dark cliff.
-No, not exactly. -She fell in love. You fell in love.
There and then before the gods, you made a pact only death could break.
-No, you're on the wrong tack. -Come.
You must not linger in idle conversation.
You gained entry to the castle by stealth...
...and now you must leave in the same way.
I know.
Sister Jessica, give your habit to the prince.
-My habit, princess? -Yes, and hurry.
But what's wrong with Sister Marian's habit?
Don't be silly. Here.
Now, my prince, this is the plan.
Tomorrow is St. Talulah's Day, and by first light...
...a nun must depart this city and lay fresh dogwort...
...on the spot where St. Talulah was murdered by the Benslow Four.
You shall be that nun. Sister Jessica?
Sister Jessica.
-Well, give it to the prince. -Thank you, Sister--
Then, proceed to the western wall...
...but by the back streets only!
When you get to the gate, say:
"I have the holy dogwort for St. Talulah's spot.
Let me pass that I might pray awhile."
Oh, my prince.
-Is this yours? -Yes. No!
Please let me have it.
Let me have it as a souvenir of our hopeless, flawless love.
-I'll cherish it always. -I can't--
And now, my prince, you must flee!
No! No, don't kiss me.
-I couldn't stand it. -I wasn't going to.
Just go.
Just go, my prince.
And remember:
"I have the holy dogwort for St. Talulah's spot."
In Latin, my love.
-Evening, Sister. -Evening.
What have we got here?
A strange face?
And a pretty one.
Well, now, let's have a look. Let's have a kiss!
-Come on, sarge. She's a nun. -So she is.
Let's have a Christian kiss.
-What's the matter, sarge? -Put me to bed, boys. Put me to bed.
-It's the devil in the guise of a nun! -It's a nun in the guise of the devil!
-Get her! -Get him!
Get them both!
Citizens! A sacrifice must be made to the monster...
...that lurks in the darkness in wait for us all!
And what better than to sacrifice one of the beast's own servants...
...whom we caught masquerading as a holy sister of the Mother Church?
We will fire him into the eternal darkness...
...as a testimony to our piety and godliness.
Imagine his agony as the flames rise higher...
...higher until he is but a ball of living fire!
Oh, the agony!
Imagine his horror as the mighty ballistic device...
...hurls him high into the depths of the blackened sky!
Are you imagining the horror?
Imagine the terror of his suspense...
...as our poor sacrifice waits...
...for the darkling earth to rise up and crush him to its harsh bosom!
Oh, the suspense!
-The incertitude! -Oh, the incertitude!
I like suspense.
Imagine his final horror...
...as his miserable life is snuffed out...
...in a glorious bone-crushing cascade of phosphorescence...
...as he finally, agonizingly smashes into the ground!
-That's not fair, that. -No, it's definitely not fair.
What's not fair?
-How come he gets to go? -Why should he have the pain?
And that bone-crushing horror. I want to go!
-I want to go! -I want to burn.
I want to feel my bones burst into a billion pieces!
I want to trace across the firmament...
...a glowing ball of flame...
...a testament to our godliness and piety!
-What does that mean? -I don't know, but I want it!
I want it!
-Hot! -Fire!
Nice.
Another glorious day for a tournament, eh, Passelewe?
I suppose so, Your Majesty.
You suppose so?
Suppose so?
Buck up, man. Buck up. It's tournament time!
Certainly, Majesty.
But I can't but think there must be a better way to choose a champion.
A better way? What better than the shattering of lances?
The flailing of the mace? The thrust of swords?
The ring of fauchon en cuissard?
What better way than an honest tournament, Passelewe? Yes.
My dear, how beautiful you look.
Yes.
-What on earth is that? -But, Dad--
Daddy!
Look at that! Did you see that?
Right in the middle of the old demi-brassarts. Jolly good. Bravo!
Another one on the maimed list. Probably dead by now.
A scratch. Plenty more where he came from.
Not really, sire.
What do you mean, Passelewe, "Not really, sire"?
Now, which part of this is giving you difficulty?
Well, all of it, frankly. What do you mean by it?
I mean by saying "Not really, sire," the true situation is likely to be...
...ipso facto, to the contrary...
...and the exact opposite to that which you perceive.
I appended, because, after all, you are the king, aren't you?
And that's a reasonable way of addressing a monarch.
-Daddy. -What is it, darling?
-What is it? -Look at that brute of a knight.
-I couldn't marry anything like that. -Of course not. You won't have to.
He won't...
...win.
Passelewe, what were we discussing a moment ago?
-The toll of your knights, sire. -Now, just a moment, Passelewe.
You used that "sire" for the same reason you used it in the first place?
-Right. -Right.
-I thought so. -Right.
According to my records, 65% of the knights of your realm...
...have been killed or maimed in the tournament.
Passelewe, that's no figure at all. No figure at all.
Now, if it was 83.3% or 97.4%, now that is a true percentage...
-...in the truest sense. -My dearest Bruno, do listen.
If this continues, even until the end of the week, where--
-Hold it! -What?
This one I must see.
There must be a better way of choosing.
Ethel? Is that you, Ethel?
I wondered what happened to you last night.
Can't talk. Due in the lists in 10 minutes.
I'm coming, Mother.
Watch where you're getting the blood! Christ!
-How else can we choose a champion? -We could call an election.
Election? Oh, no. Nonsense. It wouldn't be fair to the knights.
-They could draw lots. -Draw lots?
Bless my soul. You might as well do it dip, dip, dip, my little ship...
...or one potato, two potatoes.
Or even hide and seek.
48, 49, 50!
Coming!
The cardinal said, "I asked for 13 vergers.
Why have you brought me 13 virgins?"
Now, we're in the garden and a thousand voices said as one man:
"Ave, ave, passed through this way."
Ave, ave, what?
-Why do I need to say ave? -Just sit back...
...and let something nice happen to you for a change.
Looks like they've chosen a champion. Can you see who it is?
It's my boss. Christ.
Well, congratulations, sire. We have a champion.
Good. Where is he?
They haven't found him yet.
-Is that good? -Yes. That's what makes him a champion.
I see.
They will find him, won't they?
-You must be very proud. -Proud, you shit? Shit!
-Isn't that a great honour? -Maybe he'll get the honour.
I'll get a dragon's tooth up my bum and a shilling-a-year pension.
I'll have to sit vigil with him all night as well. Christ, what luck!
I promised my body to a woman tonight.
Maybe I could go and tell the lady that--
Wait a minute. Maybe you could do it.
Certainly I could. I'll tell the lady--
-No, no, not that. Sit the vigil. -Me?
I could give you my hat, my cape.
Just keep your head down. He'll never know.
-I can't do that. It's not right. -Who'll know? Come on!
-A beast! -Here I am.
Oh, not you!
Forget it.
-Squire? What squire? -You know what squire.
Oh, my rheumatism. That cell was so damp. Two whole nights.
Oh, you poor dear.
Come, let me undress you and put you to bed.
It must have been an awful experience.
It was.
Oh, Betty. Your hands are so soft and warm.
You don't really think there was a squire up here in our bed, do you?
-Well.... -Do you? Come, let me take those off.
And that.
Doesn't that feel better?
Bernard, my darling.
Come.
Citizens...
...nobles...
...gentry!
The king.
Me? Oh, yes.
Good Sir Knight, you have proved your worth on the field of honour.
And now you must prove yourself in mortal combat...
...with a monster so terrifying, so awe-inspiring, so horrible...
...so soul-destroying that even I would hesitate...
...to meet it face to face...
...in hand-to-hand combat. Was that all right?
Well, I suppose so, my darling.
And so, go forth and slay the beast.
And take with you the royal blessings...
...and also the blessings of Mother Church.
Bishop!
-Get out of here! -Bloody sods!
-Is that all? -That's it.
Right. Herald?
Have the gates opened.
Well, carry on!
Open the gates!
Fare well.
Wait!
He took his vorpal sword in hand
Long time the manxome foe he sought
So rested he by the Tumtum tree
And stood awhile in thought
And as in uffish thought he stood
The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood
And burbled as it came
Lance.
Lance, lance.
Come on. Come on.
Griselda.
Go get them, boys!
Monster? Monster?
Where monster?
There he is!
Don't let him get away.
Monster? Monster?
I am here, Griselda. Fear not.
Gee, a knight! I never saw a knight before.
Oh, Mr. Fishfinger!
Oh, stop dribbling, woman.
Oh, bless you. O noble lad. Oh, thank you.
Stand aside, Mrs. Fishfinger.
Sorry. Are you all right?
You almost cut my arm off!
You always were a clumsy one, Dennis Cooper.
Shame on you!
Get out! Jesus!
I could get blood poisoning. Was that sword sterilized?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'll bind it up. I'll get bandages.
Jesus. Get off!
Dad!
-What? -Look.
Good Sir Knight. Good Sir Knight.
We're so grateful to you for rescuing us from those foul fiends.
Upsy-daisy.
Very gracious of you, Sir Knight.
We're very undeserving, really. We're just humble fisher folk.
However, we do have this maiden daughter.
As there is this custom...
...the knight quite often marries the maiden he's rescued.
Say hello to the knight, Griselda honey.
It was me that rescued you.
Will you clear off? What do you say, Sir Knight?
Good Sir Knight.
-Well? -Hark. Be gone.
-Wait! -Come back here!
Sir Knight, come back, please!
Griselda. Mr. Fishfinger. I've got to go. Sorry about your hand.
It hurts!
I've missed you. I've kept your potato.
Bye!
You really are a big disappointment to me.
I thought you were gonna make something of yourseIf.
He is the king's champion!
Call yourself an eligible suitor for our fair Griselda? You're a vagrant!
Hold him, Madge. Hold him!
You leave her alone. Leave her alone.
Go on!
Someone at the door, dear.
-We must make up our minds. -Gentlemen!
-We can't delay. -Let's do something.
This king's champion must be stopped.
The monster must be protected.
If he kills the monster, we'll all be ruined.
Let me prevail upon you.
No more argy-bargy is necessary because I have a plan.
Behold! The Black Knight.
Wonderful!
We must be getting closer.
Grease. Grease.
Now that.
Get him.
And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy
-Oh, frabjous day! -The monster's dead!
The monster's dead!
Stop! No one's to enter the city unless they have money.
Stop, I say!
Oh, my God!
Cancel those shipments of wine, grain, straw!
Cancel everything!
-Dennis, here she is. Griselda! -Here I am.
It's me!
Dennis, it was always you!
You's the one we was pushing for.
We'll have the wedding tomorrow. This afternoon.
We'll get the bishop.
Dennis, you're wonderful.
Griselda, at last we can have the life we always wanted.
My boy, congratulations.
We offer you our heartfelt thanks.
You have cleared the kingdom of a great menace.
I am happy to fulfill my promise and to bestow upon you--
-What's his name? -It's Dennis.
Dennis Cooper, Your Royalshipness. That's his fiancée, my daughter.
You, Dennis...
...one half of my entire kingdom.
And the hand in marriage of my daughter, the princess.
Come, my boy. To the palace!
Griselda!
I pronounce you man and wife.
Prince and princess!
Dennis!
Griselda!
Whose idea was it to run him off without a wedding? Shut up!
Look out, sire! -509